Past Events

2005 Crab Feast
July 31, 2005

State of the Crab July 24, 2005

All Photography by Larry Cardwell

Doris: I’ll bet you‚re worried!

(Crabs: You should be!!)

Doris: You’re worried that what you’re about to hear just might be your name announced as a Crab of the Year nominee. And well you might! I see, among you, a number of potential members of the esteemed College of Crustaceans: St. Marker’s know for their crabbiness.

Yes, we COTY’s (that‚s Crab of the Year to you land-lubbers) may be renown for very publicly pointing out cracks in the facade, for being true to our moniker--bottom-feeders: those who clean up the messes left behind by others; those willing to acknowledge openly and truthfully that all is not perfect in this hallowed place.

Like the crabs who diligently scrub the floor of the Bay, we are about making St. Mark’s a better place: we keep our eyes open, hoping to discover that tidbit, that tiny morsel contributing to its deterioration. And it is NOT true that crabs can’t hear: we have VERY GOOD ears. We hear more, and better than many of you might like...we listen for those words that may come out innocently enough, but which open the door of your vulnerability...and here you all are!!

You have joined us today for the annual recognition sought by so many yet earned by so few--of lifetime membership in THE most exclusive club, and to be a part of, and party to, some hard truth-telling.

Let me remind you that this is a difficult path...one must commit oneself to a life-time of diligent observation, never-failing attention but, most importantly, constant vigilance...always seeking the preservation of the species, always searching or those called to be true sons and daughters of the deep.

There are times when acts of clear generosity and kindness lead others to crabbiness. I must remind you--and offer my deepest thanks to the Vestry of ‘05 which granted me and 5 of my sisters permission to present that bastion of feminism, The Vagina Monologues--despite and over the objections of several notable and unnamed members. This, my friends is NOT what we are about—and so I personally award to those conscientious objectors, the [don't cry for me Argentina], “Don’t Moan for Me, Vestry Members” award to those who not only objected but then boycotted the performance.

Rather, one does not enter this path unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently, deliberately, and in accordance with the purposes for which it was instituted by Bart Barnes. Each of us, the Crabs who came before me, and those who shall surely come after, has committed some significant act which left the parish and, ultimately the College of Crustaceans standing in awe. Actions which were only taken to make St. Mark’s a better place for all.

I, for one, received this honor for two such actions: the first, an act of nothing but the most extreme kindness and concern for my fellow singers as we prepared for the choir tour of 1996. Abhorring the thought of anyone being humiliated for exposing others to scents and odors less than lovely, made the supreme sacrifice of personally examining the condition of the armpits of each and every choir robe to be sure they were in tiptop condition, ready to withstand the rigors of some dozen performances. The second also preserved my deep and abiding concern for you m my sitters and brothers in Christ, when I, as Parish Life Co-Leader, invited all to gather together on the Mall for the July 4, 2004 fireworks, very considerately warned you that the impending rainstorm just might result in life-threatening illness, and suggested that all, including myself, give serious consideration as to whether or not they wished to risk their very health and safety for such a light hearted indulgence, to think carefully about making the journey under

I follow in the footsteps of other who have warned of impending doom, who have behaved with only the very best of intentions, who have consistently called upon all of us to “do the right thing” even if that might OUR interpretation, who, like anyone who lives responsibility in community, attempts to protect sisters and brothers from missteps, from erring...from missing the mark!

Had we more time for this serious contemplation of the past, I would ask each of my fellow Crabs to remind you of the highly honorable actions which earned them a place in this esteemed organization. But we do not, and so you while have to wait for someone to record the history of the St. Mark's Crabs.

And so it is my privilege and a great honor to acknowledge my heritage; to make my mark on this esteemed place and to seek the truth about each of you, to know you better, to inspire you to great things, to share, and to grow together in this great community of St. Mark’s.

What is the state of the crab on this July 2005 afternoon? We are alive and well! We continue to crab about anything and everything…even the very bread which we EAT!! So, fear not!! I bring you tidings of great joy for all people! And this shall be a sign to you, that the Crab of the Year is about to be named!!

Nominations

The Counter-Intelligence Department of the College of Crustaceans has had under close surveillance a person believed to pose such a threat to crabbiness that the alert level has been raised from orange to red. Counter-Intelligence nominates as anti--Crab the ever-tolerant, ever reasonable, ever soft-spoken Josie Jordan. Should she win the dubious distinction of Anti-Crab, the recommended prize is six months of assertiveness training and Tae Kwon Do lessons.

Crowning of the Crab of the Year

Also under surveillance is the runner-up for Anti-Crab nomination, the patient and forbearing Rev. Shearon Williams. It is hoped that, with the passage of time, she will accomplish the transition from Anti-Crab nominee to Hard Shelled Crab.

Our "Let Me Entertain You" nomination goes to Tom Foggin for two years of yeoman service in enlivening the Annual Parish Meeting by his devotion to Roberts‚ Rules of Order and his opposition to uncontested elections.

To Betsy Athey goes the “Pearl Mesta” nomination for appropriating to herself the leadership of “The Elders” in the service of fulfilling her “Hostess with the Most-est” aspirations. She cordially invited all of the Elders to her home for dinner. The catch was that the Elders had to bring the food.

Crabbie Group

The "Tinker" nomination goes to the Committee to Restructure Sunday Morning. The present schedule has worked for more than 35 years. Leave well enough alone. If anyone thinks St. Mark's people will ever stop chattering between the services, they just don't know St. Mark's. That aspect of service planning may be "broke," but it's permanently broke. Give up trying to fix it.

Our Gray Crab nomination goes to Jane Osborne, Beth Mahood, Vicki Street, Doris Burton, Burton Reist and Mary Lou Sherer, all members of the Committee to Restructure Sunday Morning, for their consideration in planning to give more time to the early service, not by starting earlier, but by appropriating the time from the second service and delaying it to 11:15. No doubt this is out of consideration for the many older parishioners attending the second service, who are apparently presumed by the Committee to be too senile and "dotty" to arrive on time for an 11 o'clock service.

The "Ding-a-ling" nomination is shared by David Deutsch, and Margaret Wood for their obvious relish in curtailing announcements running more than one minute. After all these years, St. Mark's finally has a bell!

St. Mark's is experiencing an epidemic of "Verger Creep." We therefore nominate for possible Crabship all those who are Vergers or who aspire to become Vergers so they can play "dress up" and carry a big stick.

Crab Rick Weber accepts his New Ttile

The "My Cup Runneth Away" nomination goes to the Rev. Paul Abernathy for banishing from the altar to the credence table all but one chalice and one loaf of bread.

We flipped our lids and gave the Flat Beer nomination to Rosemary Harold who did the legal research on liquor licensing and determined that the Pub could not sell unopened bottles of its specially brewed beers to be taken off the premises.

The “Tom and Ann” nomination goes to the entire Fall 2004 L.C.F. Class for spending most of their time at DuPont House playing games, thereby adroitly sidestepping the entire Unit 4. It is rumored that they still meet for clandestine "Game Nights," never considering the cost and the promise. Beware! The Penniman police are coming.

The Washington Post and Fox News, share the "No News is Good News" nomination for outing us as purveyors of a certain frothy fluid fellowship lubricant at Pub Lunch and then adding insult to injury by comparing us unfavorably to Presbyterians.

The "Loaves and Fishes" nomination goes to those who arranged the boxes of glorified K.-Rations, consisting of granola bars, yogurt and an apple, for the Annual Meeting lunch. There was no need for divine intervention to multiply at the food, because people weren't eating it.

The Elder Crabs

This year, we offer a special "Lost Vestry" nomination for the current Vestry, which could not get its act together to form a quorum at Shrine Mont, because too many members were "no-shows." We also wish to assure the Vestry that there are no hard feelings because they scheduled a Vestry meeting on Crab Sunday at a time conflicting with the Crab Feast. Yeah, right!

The 11th Commandment nominationgoes to Jack Burton. He orders from on high are no longer carved on tablets of stone. Instead, they appear on painted sheet metal signs in the parking lot, which imply the threat of divine retribution on trespassers. The 12th Commandment is "Thou shalt not clutter."

The "Out of Africa" nomination, or, alternatively, the "Holier Than Thou" nomination goes to all those African Anglican bishops, who, while condoning polygamy, seek to exclude the Episcopal Church from the Anglican Communion for respecting clergy in committed monogamous same-sex relationships.

To Kathrine Ebert, our hard-working Parish Assistant, goes the "Microsoft Multi-font and Clip Art" nomination for replacing with her creatively redesigned, large print edition, the venerable and historic but virtually unreadable St. Mark's bulletin. She also eliminated the "fall-out" hazard by doing away with inserts.

Crabs on Parade

The "Resurrection Crab" nomination is bestowed on Otis Gaddis. He resurrected, and so energized, the 20s and 30s group that the members stayed very late at the Abernathy's, departing only after Paul brought out the vacuum cleaner.

We've got trouble, right here in River City! The "Roll Out the Barrel" nomination goes to a Renaissance man and Brewmeister Extraordinaire. His parade of varietal frothy palette pleasers has brought us gustatory delight and international notoriety. However, the venerable dames of the Women's Christian Temperance Union allege that he is leading many astray from the Temperance Movement. At the very least, some apostate Whiskeypalians appear to be veering in the direction of Presbeerterianism, and it is rumored that a coven of other parishioners, perhaps including the Director of Music, are being tutored in the occult art of brewing. The product of his art is said to be so popular on Saturdays that some of the younger parishioners have trouble making it to church on time Sunday morning. The most alarming problem with his tasty brew, however, is that it tends to make people cheery and mellow. The College of Crustaceans cannot allow this to continue. We will therefore employ a reverse psychology stratagem, called "If you can't beat them, have them join you." We will strive to inculcate ferocious crabbiness into this really nice, well generous fellow by crowning him Crab of the Year.