Past Events

State of the Crab Address 2006
July 23, 2006

Welcome to our annual 4th of July Crabfeast. Usually held in August we are almost apologetic about being so close to the 4th. But apologies and explanations are not our long suit. Nevertheless, by longstanding tradition the Crabfeast begins with the State of the Crab address by the reigning Crab of the Year. We give you our reigning Crab and by Special Appointment, Brewer to the Bishop, Rick Weber.

Rick Weber

As we keep trying to explain every year, to little avail, the 4th of July Crabfeast is a curmudgeonly celebration of political incorrectness. The College of Crustaceans meets in secret behind closed doors, without benefit of all-parish meetings, mailed surveys, or any comprehensive strategic plan at all. The College cobbles together some outrageous, sometimes humorous observations of parishioner behavior, throws a crab, corn and watermelon bash, and you come to gorge, laugh, boo, hiss, and generally have a raucous outing. As capricious as we are, we try to adhere to a standard or two. Basically this is not a roast, but a toast to people who wittingly or unwittingly stand out from the crowd by their actions or statements. Nevertheless, we offer our nominations without explanation or apologies. Our nominations for 2006 are:

In the Deja-vu All Over Again Category we received a number of nominations for existing Crabs of the Year:

Current Crab of the Year, Rick Weber, was re-nominated as our Sugar-free Crab for banning soft drinks from the Pub. The nominator said, “He seemed like such a sweet guy before he became Crab of the Year. Who knew what was below the surface?”

Current College member Doris Burton had a banner year, receiving a Flatware Crab nomination for banning plastic knives, forks and spoons from use by Pub Lunch hosts, and a Pasta Crab nomination for trying to get the entire parish organized in Italian. Incoming Pub Lunch Coordinator Jim Steed seconded Doris’s action.

Jo Ellen Hayden received nominations for Response Crab, doing more to help Hurricane Katrina survivors and horses in the Gulf Coast than FEMA, the American Red Cross, numerous non-profit aid groups and Brad Pitt combined.

In the Self-Promotion Category, Bill Dannenmaier nominated himself for being himself – all over the place and all over the world. Nice try, Bill, but we ignore political campaigns!

There was another self-nomination for the break in crab bread worship tradition, which so offended the College that we decided not to mention it.

Other Nominations

Our Damocles Crab nomination goes to Pamela Foggin, who received two nominations from parishioners for her pleas to sign up for Bread and Wine at the 11:15 service, coupled with her threat to use wafers if we didn’t. The threat of those wafers sticking to the roof of our mouths hangs over our heads by a hair, like a Damoclean sword.

The 11:15 service was the source of a number of nominations. Seven of 9 members of the former Vestry were nominated for voting to switch the later service to 11:15 AM. The College notes that the Vestry members who attend the 9:00 o’clock service voted en bloc to change the time of the later service. They get our Gerrymander Bloc-head Crab nomination. The College also notes that nothing has been done to use the extra time in the early service.

For the stridency of their anti-11:15 service protests, 11:00 o’clockers Ellen Cardwell, Jim Steed, Charlie Donnelly and Charlie Rupp get our Equal Opportunity Bloc-head Crab nomination.

The Worship Planners who included “Gonna Let My Little Light Shine” in a recent service with a totally unfamiliar melody, rendering the hymn unsingable, get our Music Hath Charms To Savage The Soothed Breast Crab nomination.

Our “Gambling Crabs” nomination goes to a raucous bunch of Shrinemont card players, including St. Mark’s Treasurer, Pete Carlson, Senior Warden Michael Townsend, Rector Paul Abernathy, Worship Co-Director Vicki Street, and a cross section of old timers and new-comers like Nate Broonage and Bob Zahradnick. And this on the heels of the “Trouble in River City” (College members all murmur “Trouble, trouble, trouble) nomination last year for the role of the Pub and the Brewmeister.

We nominate Otis Gaddis for his nearly inaudible teen-speak and frequent announcements about the 20s and 30s members, which we believe invite these young folks to “prayer meetings.” He is our Praying Gaddis Crab nominee.

Our On the Verge Crab nominee is David Deutsch, Verger of Vergers, Verger from Verger, True Verger from True Verger, who walks with a big stick, a loud bell, and carries a fast stop watch. But David, watch out, because Margaret Wood is a very quick study and looks neater in a black hassock.

In the Yout’s Category Sofia Trissell, Christina Herman, and Maddie Hartke Weber get our Up and Coming Crabs nomination for their performance as the youngest punk rockers in the production of “A Mid Summer Night’s Dream” and their aspirations to divadom with glitter, makeup and hairspray. Runner-Up Divo-in-the-Making Crab: Chase Ammon for his Shrinemont performance in the “Sneeches.”

Our Queen of Syntax Crab nomination goes to Lee McAuliffe Rambo, for her edits of others’ Prayers of the People and demand for use of real good English.

Raiford Gaffney gets our Perfect Storm Crab nomination for scheduling the Shrove Tuesday Pancake Supper, causing the Players, Christian Ed and the Third Age Pancakers to converge in the same space and at the same time.

Our Antique Crabs nomination goes to the Third Agers for trying to redirect our parish attention to old farts rather than families with young children, and for trying to make us believe that getting older is just tons of fun.

Junior Warden Charlie Donnelly gets our I-Don’t-Get-No-Respect Crab nomination for handling the Church fabric – especially the Maundy Thursday-Holy Week air conditioning melt down, the fraying Parish Hall carpet, and the still-exposed pink upper band of the mural. The College notes that Jack and Doris Burton still have gallons on Parish-Hall-pink paint available for the asking – and Doris swears that she did not choose it!

Our Hollywood Sequel Crab nomination goes to Betsy Athey, Jack Harris, Paul Abernathy and Linda Barnes for their on-going efforts to preserve the Penniman Functional Education Categories legacy. Stay tuned for the third class – hatched when the second was being filmed. The College recalls that it couldn’t understand Penniman when it heard the categories the first time around.

Kathrine Ebert gets our “Deserves A Raise” Crab nomination for turning our little worship service bulletin into a readable, large print Washington Metro Yellow Pages, with occasional self-inserted language to spice it up.

For his screeds about mushrooming bulletins, recycling, fiddling with the thermostats and waste-not-want-not egroup messages, Randy Marks gets our “Inconvenient Truth” Crab nomination.

Now for the Impending Departure Category:

Our “I Go, I Go, Truth to Tell, I Go” Crab nomination goes to Paul and Pontheolla Abernathy, whose sabbatical departure preparations consumed the entire year. Now, just when we’ve managed to get over the word “transition” we have to adjust to eternal references to “the sabbatical,” and look with dread about “The Return”!

Runners up in this Category or the “How Many Episcopalians Does It Take To Get Folks Out The Door?” is awarded to Johnna Reeder in absentia finalentia and also the entire Honduras Trip Team.

We want to give special recognition to several individuals who have been quiet mainstays in the Church and for lack of a better term we call our Anti-Crabs: We acknowledge with thanks and delight the elegant woodworking of Paul Mahany; the parish visiting of Lilly March; the crab breads of Nancy Karpeles; the Children’s Choir direction of Mary Lacey Nohrden; the innumerable contributions to Pub Lunches of Bob and Linda Ewald, including their refusal to use and have to wash the metal flatware; and the more than 50 years of service to St. Mark’s and the double-R rated performance of Jan Hoffman in the Vagina Monologues.

Our final category is “Encounters with the Other”:

Bishop Duncan of Pittsburgh and the Archbishop of Nigeria? – ah yes, but too obvious. What about the St. Mark’s Women2Women group, who seriously proposed that the St. Mark’s Gathering of Men cook a dinner for the women. Be careful what you ask for!

The Sabbatical Planning Committee and Senior Warden Michael Townsend get a nod for lobbing Guest Preachers of all sizes and stripes at us – giving us Ben Pratt, Bishop Spong, Jim Wallis and Ray Suarez but, thank goodness, sparing us the Rev. Jerry Falwell and Pat Buchanan. On the other hand, they’d really be “The Other.”

And now, the moment that you have been waiting for. The envelope please:

Our Crab of the Year has probably done more to cathedralize St. Mark’s over the last 5 years than any other individual, in pomp, smells and bells, and timing. His obsession with the timing of services and announcements may well have influenced the Vestry in their decision to move the 11:00 o’clock service to 11:15. No one ever prayed more earnestly for the restoration of Jerusalem than David prayed for the timing of our services. He walks with a big Mace, clangs a loud bell, and manages to make a black hassock look as rumpled as Nantucket chinos. An emergent Church historian wannabe, he wields his Verger’s authority with the sure hand that he had as Executive Director of the Newshour with Jim Lehrer. We give you

Our 2006 Crab of the Year
David Deutsch

Photography by Larry Cardwell